Is this how humans feel when they talk about love?
by 221BadWolfie
Summary: OS based after Dean and Sam argued in 9x13, after Sam said he wouldn't have saved Dean. Dean loses his temper, break down and call the only one who could understand him, Castiel.


**[A/N] **Hey guys, first of all thanks for stepping by.

So this is a collaborative OS that I wrote with the help of the wonderful MarsianPlayer.

You can check out her tumblr: marsianplayer.

Enjoy! :)

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His words came back to him, hitting him, over and over again. He couldn't get this sentence out of his head. His own brother, his own flesh and blood, saying those terrible words.

"_If the situation were reversed, and I was dying, you'd do the same thing."_

"_No Dean, I wouldn't. Same circumstances, I wouldn't."_

Simple as that. How could he say those words? How could he feel this way about him? After all these years of covering each others back, after all the shit that they've been through, they were always here for each other. Sure, it wasn't always easy, they had their lots of arguments, fights, they sometimes ignored each other for days. But at the end of the day, they stood side by side. Always.

Dean couldn't let Sam die, never. He would rather die himself that be without his little brother, his unique blood family. Was that selfish? Going against his dying wish? Maybe, but he knew he wouldn't last long without him and most importantly it has always been his job. He promised his father, his job is to protect Sammy, no matter what. And he did it again.

Dean felt so lonely, he felt like he was on his own. And he started to drink, drink to forget the pain, drink to forget his loneliness, drink to forget this fucked up life. He even started to cry, he was completely out of this plan of reality, this nightmare was eating him alive and he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. He threw his beer over the room, he threw everything that was on the table. Books, papers, pictures, were flying all over the room. He stood up and started to punch the wall, repeatedly, evacuating all of the rage that was smothering him. His hand was bleeding, he didn't felt the pain, he didn't care. Exhausted he fell on the floor, crying again. The rage went away for a moment, and the shame took place.

He was ashamed of himself, ashamed of what he became, this selfish drunk asshole that was destroying everything he touched. _I deserve this_, he told himself. _I surely deserve all of this fucking misery_. What was the point of this? The point of this life? All the people he once loved were all dead, his family, friends. And now one of the few that was still alive hated him, probably wanted him gone. But there was still another person that could understand him, a person that he considered his family and that were always here for him. Castiel. If there was someone he really needed right now, it was surely him. So, desperately, closing his eyes, he called for him.

"Cas, I don't know what you're doing right now but.. I need someone to talk to. Please, come to me."

One second later he heard a rustle of wings. Dean opened his eyes and there he was, in front of him, a concerned look on his face. He glanced at all the mess that Dean caused earlier.

"Hi Dean."

"That was quick." Dean responded, a sad smile covering his face. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, but it doesn't matter right now. What's the matter? What happened?"

Dean stood up and sat on the chair that was facing him, and invited the angel to sit next to him. He decided not to beat around the bush and talk about what happened right away.

"Sam and I just argued. He ignored me for days since he knows I lied to him. So I told him to cut the crap. That he would've saved my life too if he'd been in my shoes. But he simply answered that he wouldn't have and immediately went to bed. Just like this. That's like he didn't care about me anymore, you know. I mean, he already sold his soul to a demon to save my life once. But this time, he would've let me die. And I feel like.. he'll never forgive me for what I've done. And I can't live like this, it's eating me alive. I just can't."

Dean felt a bit released, it was good to talk about this out loud. To let it out of his system. Castiel listened to him religiously, like the good friend he'd always been and said:

"Dean, he didn't mean what he said. Believe me, he would've saved you, and he will certainly forgive you. Just give him some time to process everything, okay? Despite what he said, he still loves you. I know it and I also saw it in his mind. He just wants you to pay for letting someone you never heard about let him possess his body. He wants you to be mad because you lied to him. And I must say that I see his point, I'm sorry Dean but Sam is also right. He thought your relationship was based on trust now, that you wouldn't lie to each other anymore. You can't keep hiding all these things, he's your brother, he has the right to know the truth."

"I wanted to tell him, believe me I did!" Dean emphasized. "But.. Gadreel said he would've rejected him, and Sammy would've died because he hadn't recovered yet. I still don't know if what he said was true..."

"It was." Castiel replied instantly. "But I don't think he would've necessarily rejected him knowing the price to pay. Because if Sam wouldn't have trust Gadreel, at least he would've known what was happening to him and you would've been able to try to solve this problem together."

Cas was right, Dean thought. He played this game on his own, when team up had always been the best solution to every of their problems.

"I know. This is all my fault.." Dean sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Well actually, it's mine too. I told you you could trust Gadreel."

"But you didn't know what he'd planned to do. Anyway, Kevin died because of me and that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Like nothing else already haunted me." he laughed sarcastically. "He didn't deserve that. He didn't know a single thing about demons and angels and all of this crap a couple of years ago, and yet everything relied on him. We snatched him from his normal life, from his girlfriend who died on our hands. He accepted to go on this ride with us, he was part of the team, part of the family. He was way too young to die, he had a life time ahead of him. I'm a fucking monster, Cas!"

Dean bursted into tears, he couldn't control his emotions anymore. This was way too much for him, too much for his bruised soul, he was human after all. Castiel tried to console him as best as he could, putting a friendly arm around his shoulder. They stayed like this for a minute or so, until Dean was able to calm down.

"I know how it feels like." The angel said, breaking the silence. "Believe me Dean, you're not a monster. What you just said proves it. You did this because you thought it was the right thing to do and you actually feel guilty about it. A monster wouldn't feel this way. That doesn't excuse you, I know, but making amends is quite honorable I think."

"Thank you, Cas. Thank you."

Castiel's words comforted Dean. He still felt like crap but it was good to know that there was still this angel to understand him, and always here to cheer him up in the best like the worst, darkest situations. It's good to know that you have someone to rely on, someone who won't judge you for your actions, but support you for your convictions.

"How do you do this?" Dean suddenly asked.

"Do what?"

"How do you stay this great, understanding person? I mean, after all these years, after all the misery, horror that you saw in your life. And after all the awful things that you did, not that it was always your fault of course but.. It's beyond me. How can you remain this wise person?"

"Well.. I don't know Dean." Cas responded a bit perplex. "I guess I've always tried to see the best in humanity, even when it wasn't always there. I've learned throughout all these years that being resentful doesn't result to anything, so I've tried to be considerate instead."

"Wow.." Dean was amazed by the angel's words. "I wish I were more like you. You're a terrific person, Cas. You deserve to be happy, I mean it."

"Thank you, Dean. You should try to consider yourself the same way you consider me."

"Uhm, I'll try." Dean said, smiling for the first time since the angel came.

Silence fell, they were both lost in their thoughts. Dean felt a lot better, he was glad he called Cas. He was right, if you put the right energy in what you do and if luck is alongside, things are always looking up.

"What I did," Castiel spoke up. "Keeping all the souls in purgatory and the Leviathans inside of me, playing God.. it was worse than everything you've ever done. But in the end, you forgave me."

Dean wasn't expecting this, he glanced at Castiel without saying anything. Of course he forgave him, how could he not? He thought. Cas was family, he was actually more than that, more than a brother. He couldn't see his life without him in it, it wouldn't feel right. He simply needed him in his life because..

"I love you."

Dean said out loud, completely out of the blue and absolutely clueless of what his train of thought just did. It just.. came out like an obviousness. Like something he would say everyday, like it was the truest thing in the world. _What a fucking idiot!_ Dean thought, angry at himself.

Castiel looked at him curiously, he didn't really know what to say. He was so unaware of this kind of declaration of sentiment. And especially coming from Dean himself.

"Oh.. uhm." Castiel replied, clearing his throat. "I wasn't expecting this but well.. thank you. But you see that's what I was trying to tell you, that Sam loves you too, so I don't see what he wouldn't forgive you."

Dean experienced many awkward moments in his life before but this one was pretty tough. Should he tell him the actual truth of how he felt about the angel or just forget about his heart? _Fuck it_, he thought. _I must tell him, he deserve to know the truth and I'll be off of this fucking weight on my shoulders_.

"Cas, forget about Sam. Don't you understand what I meant by saying _I love you_ ?"

"Well.. you care about me." the angel replied, his big blue eyes full of wonder, looking like a lost puppy.

"Yes. But I don't.. I don't love you the way I love Sam."

"Of course, I understand. He's your brother, you grew up with him. And I'm only a friend you met a few years ago."

"No, no that's not what I meant.." Dean sighed, exhausted.

Now Castiel was more than confused. He frowned, focused, trying is best to understand what his friend was trying to tell him. But this was out of his reach. _Sentiment.. what an odd thing_, he thought.

"I'm sorry but I don't understand Dean."

"Of course you don't." Dean laughed, finding Cas' innocence quite adorable. "But I thought you read minds."

"I didn't read yours since a long time. I don't want to do it against your will."

"Well, that's surprising! Do it now." Dean challenged him.

Cas, still confused and a bit startled by what the hunter just asked him, accepted his request anyway and started reading his mind.

What he saw took his breath away, he would've never imagine something like that. Dean kissing him, Castiel, the angel. Romantically, passionately, both smiling, they looked so peaceful. So that's what Dean meant by saying _I love you_. Cas couldn't help but smile, himself always felt something so strong about Dean. Of course, they shared a bond and he surely thought that their relationship was special but never in that way. But he could see it now. He realized it by the moment he read his mind, he had always loved Dean. Actually, he had always been in love with him, but he didn't know what this feeling was. He never experienced it before. It felt so obvious now.

Dean couldn't move, but he could tell by watching Cas' face that he was enjoying what he saw and possibly sharing the same feelings as he was. Watching Cas smiled made him smile too. Suddenly the angel's eyes went across Dean's lips. That was it, that was the moment. Without hesitating, Dean reached for Cas' lips and kissed him fearlessly. He kissed him and forgot about everything, forgot about all the pain, forgot about his ruthless' life. It didn't matter anymore, this was so right, like he should've done this years ago. He was finally letting go of everything, he abandoned himself to this unique person. This soulmate he was searching for, all of his life was right there, in front of him.

Cas put both of his hands on Dean's cheeks, responding to this amazing kiss. Cas had already kissed a few people since he was on Earth, but he never experienced to something so remotely close to what he was experiencing right now. Dean's lips were soft and had the taste of beer. He didn't mind, actually it was funny, it felt like home. For the first time since a long time, he truly felt like he was home. _Is this how humans feel when they talk about love?_ Because he loved that feeling, and in his whole life, he never felt more human than right now.

Even if he desperately wanted to continue to kiss his angel, Dean was out of breath. He stepped back a little, staring into Castiel's eyes.

"I love you too." Cas responded a few seconds later, hypnotized by Dean's gaze.

"Lucky me." Dean chuckled. "I promise you, we'll make up for lost time."

And he sealed that promise with a soft kiss.

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**[A/N]**

Hope you guys liked this OS. Tell us what you thought! :)

(ps: a few songs inspired me for this fic. If you're interested: **_Illusion _**by VNV Nation & _**Far too young to die** _by Panic! At The Disco.)


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